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The Struggle of OCD

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “A Mystery Wrapped in an Enigma.”

Something most people probably don’t know about me is … that I struggle every day with OCD (obsessive compulsive disorder). I find it terrifying to have to lock up my home on my own and leave as I am constantly convinced that I didn’t lock the door properly or shut it properly (and thus, my cat will be harmed or my boyfriend’s stuff stolen). I have massive anxiety when taking pills (which I have to every day) because I am convinced that I somehow dropped some (and thus, my cat will eat them and die). I have a difficult time driving alone; I am always sure that something toxic is on my hands and will harm me, my cat, or someone else; on and on.

I am fairly open about my struggle with OCD, but I do not talk about the specifics. Very, very few people know how much I compulsively check seemingly insignificant things, obsess over “what if” possibilities, and convince myself that I have done or will do something terrible by accident. When I talk about it, I feel insane, crazy, messed-up, broken…

It’s so difficult for other people to understand when they have never experienced it. They constantly ask “why can’t you just ignore it?” or say “but it’s not true, so why stress about it?”. All I can say is, it’s real to me and my mind does not let me ignore it. Every single thing I do is a stressor, and yet I cannot allow my anxiety to coop me up in my house and isolate myself. I did that for a few months and it only made everything so much worse.

We must fight our anxiety every day and force ourselves to live. It’s the only way.

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My Experiences Created My Passion

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Baggage Check.”

I think my past experiences influence every aspect of my life and I think my experiences have been incorporated into my personality. I give them huge credit for how I am. So what was my last major decision? Hmm…

Well, growing up with depression and anxiety issues really impacted my choices of career choice. I’ve had anxiety since I was born and I’ve struggled with depression since my teens. I didn’t understand my feelings when I was in my adolescence and I didn’t feel accepted or understood in my family or with friends. So, that drove me to look to the internet for explanations. I ran across the DSM and descriptions of anxiety and depression that seemed to explain everything I was feeling, and that sparked the passion that has driven me ever since.

Over the years, I have realised how important it is to me to study and expand the knowledge (and acceptance) around these disorders but also to help the people suffering from them. That has influenced my choices around my career path, such as choosing to study Psychology in university and to work in the mental health field. I hope to continue my education and I hope to increase the knowledge and acceptance of mental health and its issues for the rest of my life. That is my true calling.

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Everything Happens For A Reason

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Nightmares.”

I guess my nightmares could be described as kind of boring and simple. The last uncomfortable dream that I had was maybe a couple of weeks ago and involved me trying to re-connect with a lost friend of mine and having it fail massively. I have this dream every few weeks, since I lost the friendship about a year ago. Another dream that I have repeatedly over the past year that is sometimes mixed with this friend dream involves Home Depot, where I worked for a year and a half.

The friend dream usually goes along the lines of us running into each other unexpectedly, me getting ignored by her, me attempting to talk to her and understand why she stopped talking to me and having that fail, etc. I hate how clingy and desperate admitting this makes me seem, but I do truly feel like I’m not the crazy one here… Who hangs out with someone every day and says they’re best friends and then one day just stops responding to messages/phone calls/texts, everything?

The Home Depot dream, I have had literally over a dozen times in the past year, and usually involves me going back to work there casually as they really needed help, the shift going extremely badly, and then me walking out and realising I will never go back.

What do I think these dreams mean? I think they show how I put all of myself into everything that I do, and when it’s not returned to me or it fails somehow, I find it very difficult to let go. I do not allow many people into my life or my mind, I do not have many friends, and I have not had many jobs. I am learning that nothing lasts forever, that people, jobs, situations, etc, will come in and out of my life forever and instead of clinging to the memories of what was, I need to focus on what they all brought me, acknowledge their gifts, and then move on.

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Bars and Me

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Fill In the Blank.”

Three people walk into a bar, then two more, and then four more. People keep piling in through the bar doors while only a handful trickle out. I stand there and watch them and wonder what the appeal is. I have never been in a bar … and I’ve honestly never had the desire to. I went to a pub once which was alright, but it was basically a restaurant experience except with beer.

Instead of going in, I always turn and leave. I go home, crawl into bed with my kitty and boyfriend, and watch awesome tv shows or movies. I get obsessive over movies and shows so it’s always a fun time for me to watch. I don’t even regret missing out on this “essential experience” as it doesn’t feel very essential to me.

What is it that pushes me away from bars? I think there are a lot of reasons … but I think it mostly fits into two reasons: 1. I don’t like being around crowds of people as I get very panicky and 2. I don’t like being around people who are under the influence of something. That may make it seem like I am some stuck up or terrified innocent, but truly it’s just about preference. Would I rather surround myself with people who are drinking or would I rather lie in bed with only my boyfriend and cat? That’s a pretty easy question.

A bit about me …

Hello. Welcome everyone and anyone who would ever decide to read the first post of some random blog. I am here because I love to write and imagine and create. I need something to look forward to every day, something to do, and something to read and look back on one day in the future. Thus, this blog is for my past, present, and future.

It’s always a bit awkward trying to start a new blog and I’m not sure how to get past it gracefully, so I guess I will just tell you a tiny bit about me.

I am 23 years old. I live in Canada with my boyfriend and my cat. I just graduated university with my Bachelors in Psychology. I work in the mental health field. I am passionate about wellness, yoga, mental health, and all things psychology. But that’s all just one side of me. On the other side, I love being creative, writing, reading, listening to music, watching movies and tv shows, critiquing everything I see. I have a Minor in English which is my attempt at following that part of myself that wants to just remove myself from all of society, hole up in some random cabin in a forest, and just write all day every day.

Lately my life feels like it revolves around mental health (which it truly does). Sometimes, like right now, I want to be able to disconnect and just write whatever I feel like or read whatever I come across.

I am not entirely sure what will come of this blog, but I think that’s okay. This time, I’m just going to go with the flow and “wing it”. We will see what happens.